My Frum Side

A brief thought about things I miss

2009-09-29T08:40:00.002-04:00

I want to write a well thought out post on the things I miss about being frum. Unfortunatley, I haven't had time to do so, so I'm just going to put down some brief thoughts for now.

I've been OTD over a year now and the newness of it is wearing off. After a few trief meals, dining out is still fun, but it isn't exciting. I'm not the new person at my new synagogue anymore. I'm starting to pick up on the tensions, grudges and political infighting that takes place at all synagogues.

There are definitely some things I miss about being frum. Shabbos for one - I like going to services at my new synagogue, but the question remains what to do with the rest of the day. I try to spend it in a "Shabbosdik" way, but it's hard when you're on your own. I also miss being able to walk to shul. It's hard for me to be spiritual when I'm stuck in traffic.

Serious learning is another thing I miss. It used to be I would go to a shiur and be the least knowledgable person in the room. Now I attend a Torah study group where every Hebrew word must also be said in English every single time or the same people complain. You would think that after awhile everyone would know that Yitzchok is Issac. I am impatient with people who say they didn't get a Hebrew education growing up. I've been hearing them say it for over a year now, which is more than enough time to learn to read Hebrew phonetically.

What I want to be able to do is take the best of both worlds - the open, welcoming, touchy-feelyness of my new Jewish Renewal synagogue and the dedicated commitment of my old frum shul. But since I can't have both, I will make do in the place where I feel welcome.

Being a Sheliach Tzibbur on the Yamim Noraim

2009-09-25T06:13:00.005-04:00

As I am still a closet-OTD, I don't really have something to tell about my past frum side, but I can tell you something about my current frum side (the side that is losing it from reason at the moment)...

I love being a sheliach tzibbur.

Note that I don't like being called a chazan, because: a. They usually have better voices, and b. They tend to bore their audiences more than they inspire them. I love singing in general, but this is something that I know I am doing well and people are very appreciative not to have someone singing that has a bad voice or someone with a good voice that doesn't know how to stop. (Oh yes, and grammatically shaliach tzibbur is incorrect!)

In any case, there is a lot of preparation going into the davvening. Having lived in different parts of the world, I always have the opportunity to learn new melodies. Some are beautiful, others are more painful than having your ... cut off with a blunt knife. But at least now I call the shots and will be able to sing what I think is beatiful.

I have been singing the melodies to myself for weeks in the tram, bus, train, car an on the bike. Once I hold my machzor and mp3 player in front of me, I become oblivious to my environment and drift away...

Nussach is a beautiful thing. But I feel more and more distanced to the meaning of the actual text. This Rosh Hashanah on the 2nd evening when I chanted Yigdal (on a very beautiful melody), a pang of guilt went through me as I realized that the 13 Principles of Faith, so beautifully arranged in this poem, struck me as outlandish and absurd.

And so I am afraid of the day that I will be 'found out' or when I will come out of the closet and the powers-to-be will decide that it 'passt nisht' for a koifer to be their sheliach tzibbur. I guess that will be my sacrifice for a life of freedom.

Just To Say That I Have Nothing To Say :)

2009-06-11T17:39:00.003-04:00

Yup, it's officially been forever since we posted anything here. Well, I still like the concept of the blog, even if I have nothing to contribute to it.

Collecting

2009-03-09T20:31:00.000-04:00

You know what sucked about Purim?

Collecting.

For years, I'd go collecting every year with my yeshiva. MAYBE the first year was fun, afterwards, it sucked.

You go for long hours door-to-door shnorring, sweating in these stuffy costumes, and you don't get paid a red cent (it's a "mitzva," of course). Trying this guy's red wine, that guy's white wine. Ugh. Listening to some yutz from your group harassing the baal habayis to cough up more dough. Drunken mishuganas running all over the street, singing at the top of their lungs, and saying the dumbest things. Jesus Christ.

One thing for sure I won't miss about this year's Purim is collecting.

However, I will miss the old days, dressing up, and eating tons of nosh. Those were good times.

Ooh, I Know One!

2009-02-19T22:36:00.001-05:00

Buying stuff in honor of rosh chodesh! That was fun!
I was reminded of this because it's been exactly a month since the last post :)
I used to buy something special every rosh chodesh in honor of rosh chodesh, I miss doing that. And that reminds me that I also used to buy extra nice stuff/food for shabbos. Great excuse to try that really expensive cheesecake, eh? ;)

OTD

2009-01-19T14:22:00.004-05:00

By: Margo
You know, when I go to my dashboard, I see the Ballroom blog, with fairly frequent updates. I see the OTD blog, with even more frequent updates. I see the Haven blog, with updates that happen more often than the time it takes to say the Shema Yisroel backwards (anyone else here love Savta Simcha while growing up?). Then I see this Frum blog, with updates more infrequent than the time it's been since I last said Shema Yisroel (well, not really, but in a hyperbolic manner). So I think, and think, and think about what I miss from being frum. The trouble is, I don't miss it. At all. Of course now and then I'll miss something or other, but not often enough to post about it regularly.
However, today, after much effort, a burst of inspiration hit me and I thought of something that I miss!
I miss going OTD! That's part of the life of a frum community, right? People who go OTD.
I've already gone OTD, so I can't go OTD anymore, and I kind of miss that. It felt very intellectually invigorating to attend all those frum classes and dispute the rabbis, challenge everything I heard, talk it over with frum and non-frum friends of mine. It felt freakin' awesome to wear a tank top and pants to the Kotel. Now, I just don't go to frum programs. I don't go to the Kotel (I'm also not in Israel at the moment, which stops me from going, even if I wanted to.) I have better things to do with my life. But that was nice, going OTD. Ah, to be frum again so that I could go OTD again! Lovely thought... :)

Recent Thoughts

2009-01-13T02:18:00.003-05:00

Okay, my humor's nothing to write home about.

I hope you all don't mind, but I'm going to get a bit more serious here. And yes, I will be turning off comments for now.

My other blog is more of an anti-religious place, while this place can be more pro-religious.

I wanted to discuss reasons why I might want to go back on the derech. No, not to get anyone's hopes up, just to clear my head a little.

Well, I don't believe in God, and I wasn't that happy being frum anyway. However, it's the community I was raised in, and I'm much more familiar with it than anything else. I might even go so far as to say I'm more comfortable there than anywhere else. Maybe.

Mayebe I can be somewhat Orthoprax, and just be a regular frum guy again, with less obligations? Kind of just play the part, without committing too much?

Just thinking.

Chanuka

2008-12-22T18:11:00.001-05:00

Chanuka is one of my favorite holidays. Eight days of fun, with almost no restrictions. Lots of food, lots of presents, what's not to love?

Latkes are the best.
Doughnuts--not bad, though the icing sugar gets really messy. The songs are great.
Cleaning and preparing the candles are a pain in the neck.

What's my favorite part of Chanuka? Standing around with family after the candles are lit, just before digging into the latkes. It's a special feeling.

Israel

2008-12-15T08:46:00.003-05:00

You may have noticed I've been neglecting this blog. Sorry.

To me, a blog is a big party. If you're interested in being a contributor, just give me a shout (offthed@gmail.com) and you're in.

I spent a year and a half in Israel a few years ago, and thought I'd share some of my positive memories.

- The weather. I loved how it never rained in the summer, and you barely ever needed a coat in the winter. Loved it.

- The food. Okay, lots of it was crap, but lots was great. Like bread for fifty cents a loaf (seriously). During bein hazmanim, I lived off of that stuff. Also hummus (a kilo tub for like two bucks). Oh, you know those shoko bags kids take to school? Those rock.

- Buses, tiyulim. Loved the buses, and how you were never too far from your next tiyul. Went on lots of tiyulim. LOVED Ein Gedi! Didn't go to Masada:(.

- Shabbos. LOVED it. People were always inviting us to their homes for the meals, and had LOTS of fun. Also, walking around Yerushalayim Friday night was pretty cool. It sometimes seemed like the whole city's population was walking down Shmuel Hanavi, cracking garinim.

- Carefree attitude. A lot of Israelis are mad chilled. Lots of unique personalities to hang out with. You never know what you're getting yourself into; the place is one big balagan, and it's a laugh a minute. Basically, what I'm saying is it's a lot of fun:).

Davening

2008-12-08T18:14:00.000-05:00

By: Margo
I sometimes miss davening. Not the praying to an invisible God, nor the mandatory aspect of it, but I miss the intense concentration and meditation. I felt like I was delving deep into myself and simultaneously drawing closer to what I thought of as God. That part was lovely; it helped me reach self-knowledge, it brought me to a self-centered place, it enabled me to focus. Even after I stopped believing that the Torah is divine, I would talk to "God" intensely, just talk. That was great. Then I realized that God almost definitely wasn't there, and I stopped talking to myself.
Maybe I'll look into meditation. Or maybe I'll just resume talking to myself. It was easier when I thought I was talking to another being, though. Now I just feel crazy, except that it's crazier to talk to yourself and believe you're speaking to an invisible being than it is to just talk to yourself, fully knowing what you're doing. ;) Maybe I'm not so crazy, after all.

Jewish Music

2008-11-29T18:00:00.001-05:00

So, what kinds of Jewish music do I like?

All kinds. Whatever's popular works for me.

I've always loved Mordechai ben David and Avraham Fried. Personally, I've always thought Fried was better, but most people I knew thought I was crazy for saying that, so I learned to keep it to myself.

Shwekey is incredible, of course. Lots of wannabe Shwekeys out there too, they're alright.

I'm also a big Eli Gerstner fan. I was crazy about the Chevra, but not all of his other projects, including Yeshiva Boys Choir. Always thought Miami was better, though the last few years, they haven't been too special either.

Chassidish music I don't know too much about, but Lipa's alright. I once heard Shloime Daskal, he sounded pretty amazing.

Are those three, Dachs, Wald, and Williger, still around? (I like them in that order, btw.) They were okay.

I'm not a major Carlebach guy. I like his tunes, but not his voice. I like Abie Rotenberg stuff (Journeys, Dveykus etc).

How about the cool stuff, you know, Blue Fringe, Moshav Band, etc? Yeah, I like. Haven't heard them lots though. Also Gershon Veroba (Variations) and Destiny--s'all good.

I can't not mention female musicians. Unfortunately, there are very few in the frum world, thanks to halacha or whatever. Otherwise, the quality of the music would improve greatly. There are a few big-name ladies out there, like Kineret, but I don't know much about them:(.

How about kids' tapes? I grew up on Marvelous Middos Machine, Uncle Moishy, Shmuel Kunda, etc. Country Yossi's alright too. Oh, and you can deny it all you want, but Shmuel Kunda is hilarious.

K, I know I missed a lot of different singers and bands in this post. Feel free to mention them in the comments.

So, what kinds of music do you like?

Cholent

2008-11-27T09:08:00.016-05:00

Yes, I know some of you call it "cholent"; others "chulent." Tomato tomahtowww.

Now, there are all kinds of cholent. There's the classic "cement-mixer" type (my favorite!); there's the soupy kind; dafina, plus other types I probably don't know about.

I can't cook to save my life, but am an expert eater, though. I can't really tell you how to make it (unfortunately), though from what I'm told, you just throw a whole bunch of stuff into a pot. Okay, it's more complicated than that :P.

In my yeshiva in New York, there were a few guys who really knew what they were doing. Every Thursday, they would prepare two giant pots of cholent. Oh, that was good. Friday afternoon, you could always sneak a bowl. Friday night was the best. A few hours after the meal, we'd all go downstairs and help ourselves to giant servings of cholent. I can smell it now. Only the second pot would be saved for Shabbos day. Good times.

Some stores know how to make good cholent too. Deli 52 on Thursday night is supposed to be incredible. I've tried it once or twice, and it was good.

There's a million secrets to cholent success. Many use ketchup, plenty use beer, some even use hot dogs! My sister, who makes a mean cholent (knocks you out for at least six hours) I'm convinced uses peanut butter. She denies it categorically.

And no, I am NOT discussing the aftereffects we all suffer the next day or two in the form of air pollution, or its long-lasting effects on the environment:P.

Now, we have the not-so-simple matter of what to wash it all down with, or even eat together with. Personally, I'll eat it with anything except bread (too heavy). Kichel is good, snacks, etc. Oh, and sunflower seeds or chewing gum etc. do wonders for the digestion.

How do you wash it down? Lots of choices. Soda works. And I LOVE Sprite. A few years ago, they came out with Sprite Remix. I was crazy for it. When they discontinued it, I was probably the saddest guy in the tri-state area:(.

Schnapps works too, or beer (all beer just tastes like pish anyway, who we kiddin'?) But really, cold heineken is okay.

How do you like your cholent?

(Btw) Speaking of food, I love shwarma. Yeah, you can get it in Shmutz La'aretz too, but Israel's best. Let's face it: Israeli pizza sucks, even their falafels aren't all that special, but their shwarma? Ahhh.

Halo Teiman (by knisah l'ir, also in bnei brak) ROCKS. I know, there's tons of awesome shwarma places all over the country. But I know I loved Halo Teiman.

For like 30 shmek, you get an awesome wrap. Plus tons of salads on the side; they let you put them on by yourself.

Out of this world.

First Post

2008-11-25T13:39:00.001-05:00

Hi.
My name is OTD.
I used to be frum.
This is my frum side.